In The Blink of a Week!

Is it me, or do the weeks seem to be zooming by?

It's been a full week since I last posted! And what a week!

Emily lost her tooth, which was safely placed under her pillow and replaced by the unseen, unheard "Tooth Fairy" (Me) who left a shiny gold coin and some 'pixie dust' which resembled gold glitter. Needless to say Emily found the whole saga really exciting and promptly found another tooth loosening up - and getting more loose by the minute with all of Emily's frantic waggling! Best get the pound coins and pixie dust ready again soon! (And book a dentists appointment to check that everything's as it should be.)

Lesley has been unwell all week and unable to eat anything (so the food bill has gone down significantly!! lol!!) however, what we saved on food, we more than made up for on toilet rolls, if you catch my drift.

I've had a busy time at work - training course up at Seaham, clients all over the place and project after project to coordinate - hence the lack of posts.

Misery Guts.

In my teens (and even before then) I was always an optimist. Always considered every angle and always looked on the bright side of things wherever possible.

 

As I grew up, and the world enveloped me, my cynical side began to grow to the point it is at today - "Grumpy Old Man!" Negative thoughts abound on the state of the world, how different it is now to how things 'used to be', how much better things are today in terms of technology - but how that negatively impacts on things like schooling and social development - the list can go on and on.  I wear my grumpy old man label with pride at times and yet, occasionally, my more relaxed and open minded younger self will rear his head and try to counter the negativity. It is a welcome break and I enjoy seeing my old self every now and then.

 

But, there is one person in my life who positively exudes negativity - and as far as I can see always has. I'm talking about my Mother in Law - I call her "the Portender of Doom!"

 

The PoD is my wife's mother and she loves her dearly - but I can see how Lesley has been strongly influenced by the negativity of her mother over the years. I myself have been affected by her in the twenty or so years I've known her - to the point of depression.

 

A typical conversation with her goes like this:

 

Me: "Hello, isn't it a lovely day?"

PoD: "They've got snow in Cumbria. It's heading this way."

Me: "Well it's not here yet, lets enjoy the sunshine, catch some rays."

PoD: "It was on the telly about all the skin cancer. It's rife."

Me: "Pass me that razor blade, would you!"

 

Lesley suffers so badly with anxiety and panic attacks and we've been looking for a cause - her father's death when she was eleven? Being bullied at school? Well, yes, to an extent, but since these events she has lived with her mother and all the doom and gloom that seems to emanate from her - it's no wonder she's anxious. Even now, married for fifteen years and with a young daughter of her own, she is dominated to the point of being scared of her mother.

 

It's a very true story in a lot of households up and down the country - 'your parents screw you up!"  My own Mother domineered me to the point of physically abusing me. She was a bully, still is no doubt but thankfully I broke free when I was sixteen - with my mother's blessing I might add. Unfortunately Lesley did not, and has not yet.  What gets all of us, as offspring of crazy people, is that they often quote the biblical saying that you must "honour thy father and mother." and we try so hard to live up to this edict, that we end up being miserable old gits and hating them for it.

www.mcarthurbaker.co.uk

New Beginnings and an Old Nemesis

My lovely wife starts a new job today. I can't tell you where she's working, except to say that the wage will come in handy as Every Little Helps!

Suffering as she does from anxiety, this morning was naturally frought with panic and stress. Add into the equation the fact that her taxi didn't turn up and you can imagine the air was as blue as it can get in front of a five year old child!! (Where's the bloomin' taxi? These bleedin' taxi drivers must turn up late on purpose the nasty devils!! - that sort of thing.)

So for a 9am start at a location seven miles away, through rush hour traffic, the taxi tuns up at 8:49!! Obviously my wife's reaction scared the living hell out of the driver and he managed to get her there for 8:58 - I'm very impressed! (With my Wife!)

As for me - well I've had a bad chest and sinus infection for the past three weeks - two courses of antibiotics seem to have finally done the trick BUT having murdered all of the infectious bacteria they have also, in the process, killed off all of the good bacteria lining my gut - this at a time when my specialist has decided to get me off steroids reducing the dose to just 5mg a day - so my old friend Mr Crohn's has decided to step up a gear and lay me low again.

More time off work - just what I (and they) need. Oh the joys of Crohn's!!

Halloween

Emily plumped for her usual witches costume for Halloween tonight. Here she is preparing to go out into the cold, wet and windy evening - needless to say she and Mummy didn't venture far and were soon warming themselves with milk and cookies by the fireside, counting their treats!

Happy Girthday to Me!!

Yesterday was my 43rd birthday and, as my Crohn's seems to have been settled for a few weeks, the lovely Lesley decided it was time for a treat. My favourite! Chocolate Cake with all the buttercream and chocolate flakes you could wish for. Just a small one ("enough to serve 8" the box said - though these must surely have been tested on very small people with even smaller appetites, or perhaps eight people who didn't much care for scrummy chocolate cake!) Needless to say I dived straight in immediately after Lesley took the following picture........

Obviously nothing to do with overeating and more to do with steroids, but me thinks it's time I lost a bit of weight!!! (I never, EVER thought I'd hear myself saying that!) Fitness regime begins....

............just as soon as the rest of the cake is consumed!

Happy Birthday to me....happy birthday to me....

Break.

My apologies for not posting over the past few days. A busy schedule at work, and an even busier one at home, has left little time for anything else. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible!

I just want to say thank you to all who commented on my most recent post - your comments and offers of support are much appreciated. As for Lesley, well the busy schedule at work meant a few trips out for her this week - she accompanied me on a number of my client visits. Wednesday was a bad day as I had some training to attend in County Durham. I had to be there for 8.30 so it was an early set off and Lesley wasn't able to come along. She was really bad - panicky, tearful, and completely stressed about me driving the 28 miles to the training centre. My handsfree kit served me well that day, though compared to other trips Lesley did really well - only calling me four or five times to check on my progress during the 25 minute drive. Once I was there she could relax until lunchtime when I had to drive back. Only four calls on the way home too, so not such a bad day for me - Lesley put herself through the mill a couple of times though.

Thursday would've seen a repeat of the journey but luckily my gastro appointment overran and I didn't have to go.

Still no sign of the NHS Counsellor - she was referred in May. The longer this goes untreated the more I worry about the physical effects it's having on her - her nerves must be shot to pieces, she is losing weight, and that much adrenalin pumping round her system day in day out means she's always in 'fight-or-flight' mode, never able to relax, even at night she's up two or three times pacing the floor or having a panic attack. I feel so helpless most of the time.

Depression and Anxiety.

My wife suffers from anxiety. Deep seated, long term anxiety, mixed with severe depression (probably associated with untreated post natal depression.)

The anxiety stems from a separation issue - she fears loss following the death of her father whilst he was working abroad and when she was just eleven years old - the fear of loss is fixated on me which makes life very difficult for both of us. For example - I have to work. I meet business owners on a day to day basis and often have to travel (drive) to their premises for these meetings. When Lesley knows I have a drive ahead of me she will do one of a number of things: 1)She will try to get me to rearrange the meeting. 2) She will ask me to feign illness. 3) She will feign illness herself. 4) She will decide to come with me to the meeting. Usually point number 4) above will win - despite my protestations - and she will sit in the car outside of my client's premises for as long as the meeting takes, or she will walk around the town I'm visiting until I collect her after my meeting. On the odd occasion where it is impossible for Lesley to come along, I will receive between ten and fifteen phone calls during a twenty minute journey. Sometimes in rural areas the phone signal isn't as strong and Lesley can't get through - she has been known to call my client, prior to my arrival, to ask if I've arrived or to get me to call her when I get there.

Lesley fears that I will die if she lets me go alone - this is heightened by the fact that we, as a family, are in exactly the same position as her family all those years ago. Mother, Father, one daughter - father goes out to work one day and returns in a box. She fears that history is about to repeat itself. The argument of "Well if you come with me and we both die in a crash, Emily will be an orphan!" holds no weight whatsoever. That scenario doesn't repeat her earlier life experience and so, in her mind, is unlikely to happen. Whereas she knows that the original scenario can happen - because it happened to her thirty years ago.

Her fears also extend to the weekends. She likes to go shopping in town with her Mother whilst I stay at home and look after Emily. Stay at home being the operative phrase. If I decide to take Emily to the park or any other venue all hell breaks loose. I have, in the past, ignored Lesley's pleas of "You will stay in, where it's safe, won't you?!" and taken Emily to the park anyway, for Emily's sake. I always take my phone and call Lesley to let her know - but it doesn't help her fears - it simply fuels them and in an hour long trip to the park she will call me four or five times to ask if I'm back home yet.

This illness puts an enormous strain on our relationship as you can imagine. It also affects Emily who picks up on the atmosphere and anxieties and tends to mirror certain fears.

Lesley has seen numerous doctors and been prescribed numerous courses of tablets - which she never takes because she also fears that she will be affected by the list of side effects on the infosheet. She was referred to the GP's Counselling service by her GP in May and is still waiting for her first appointment - she has been told recently that it may be as late as next year before she is seen.

I will write more on this subject in due course, and have been meaning to do so for some time, but for now I wanted to get the bare bones of the condition down on 'paper' for my own sake rather than as an interesting read for visitors.

A Gift From Denise.

Just a quick post tonight to thank the wonderfully generous Mrs Nesbitt - who we met up with today in a less than clement Guisborough, I say less than clement, when what I actually mean is torrential downpour -  for her to hand over a  box of craft materials for Emily. I have never known so much material be crammed into an 18 inch box:

- cards, stickers, glitters, paper, cloth, stampers, stencils, crayons, felt-tip pens, feathers, shells - you name it, it was there -

Emily could barely contain her anticipation at the prospect of rummaging through the box of goodies: 

A veritable feast of craft materials was discovered within.

Of course, Emily just had to make use of the colourful cloth inside and transform herself into an Indian Princess for the rest of the day:-

So a great big thank you to Denise for providing hours of fun today, and for every other rainy day for many months to come - Emily really appreciated it and will work to create one of her "special creations" just for you in the next few days.

Thanks very much - Gary, Lesley and especially Emily. xx

Weekend Wandering

Weekend Wandering - David McMahon over at Authorblog has posed his weekly 'wandering' question:


The question is: What do you want most out of life?


It would seem that my answer to this often asked question changes with the advancing years. For example, when asked this in my teens and early twenties I might have responded that I'd like a house of my own, a family and a decent enough job to keep that family financially secure.

In my early thirties I'd obtained the house and a partial family - in that I had been married - but the job and "full" family evaded me. Until, that is, the age of 36 when the job of my lifetime came along and the following year the daughter of a lifetime joined the fold. The question "what do you want most out of life?" had been answered. Happiness was complete, surely?

Well yes, and no. With age a different set of priorities form in the mind. Now there are different needs and wants. A daughter to consider. What kind of future will she have? What can I do to make sure that she remains as happy and healthy and secure as she is now? What kind of inheritance will I leave for her? What do I wish for her? What does she want for herself? Endless questions, endless challenges - and this is my answer to David's question:


"I want to remain able, for as long as possible, to come up with new answers to what I want most from life. I want to be challenged to seek solutions to needs in my, and my family's, life, and I want to never lose the desire to attain goals of benefit to the family.

I believe it's called 'living' - and I want to do that for as long as possible!"

ABC Wednesday - 'R'

ABC Wednesday already? So many words to choose that begin with the letter 'R' - even more difficult than last week's 'Q'!!!

R is for....the ability to form........

Relationships

In spite of my own very jaded, entirely dysfunctional, relationship with my mother, my primary concern with Emily was that she should be able to forge a very strong and healthy set of relationships within our family circle (Which comprises of Lesley's relatives, not mine.) My family life left me with a lot of baggage - very shy, very withdrawn, very difficult to get to know, very scarred by my early relationships - I could have quite easily drifted into a life of solitude had it not been for Lesley. Because of my upbringing I find forming friendships very difficult, relationships even more so.

I never knew my father, he was off the scene soon after we returned from Cyprus when he and mother divorced. I had a close bond with Peter, my mother's second husband, but he soon got sick of mother's ways and eventually he too was off the scene - I stayed in touch for a while but eventually he found himself a new life with children of his own.

Mother alienated herself further from us and married for a third time. After that she became a distant memory for a long time, then she was back after the birth of my daughter, briefly, and now she's gone again.

My strongest relationship from childhood was that with my Nana and Grandad- mother seemed keen for them to look after me (probably because she couldn't be bothered.) - and they took up the gauntlet with gusto. Sadly Grandad died in 1976 - three days before my eleventh birthday (I've still got the card he had already signed) After that Nana put most of her efforts into raising me. I became the son she never had and she was the only constant in my life until her death in 2005. (Well, almost - but that's a different story to be told some other time!)

We wanted Emily's family life to be so very different from my early experiences - and in the main I think we've succeeded - Lesley and Emily are the only people who see the true me and I hope that Emily will feel a thousand times more safe and secure and loved than I ever did as a child. She seems happy enough now - but only time will tell I suppose - but strong relationships can only be built over time, so there's a way to go yet.