Is it any wonder...

Lesley and I sat down for a long chat last night about our current situation.

We married in 1993 and spent the first ten years working (both of us) to sustain a lifestyle that we wanted (at the time) and we became completely dependant upon each other emotionally, spiritually and financially. We never saved. We lived for the day and enjoyed a relatively comfortable lifestyle. We couldn't invest in a house on a newer estate as Lesley, who doesn't drive, needed to be close to her mother, so we bought the house we're living in now in 1997. Since then the area has become depressingly 'depressed'. We've never taken a holiday abroad, or anywhere else for that matter, in all our married life. Not because we couldn't afford to, it was just our choice to spend our time 'doing up' the house with the odd trip into the local countryside thrown in for variety.

When our Daughter arrived five years ago it seemed that the jigsaw was complete. But Lesley started showing signs of anxiety within hours of the birth. This escalated, untreated, to the situation described here. It became so bad that in the end Lesley could not return to work - she tried hard to do so, but the anxiety would win, or circumstance would. I became the sole bread-winner - luckily my job paid enough for us to do this - and Lesley stayed at home, something she did not adapt well to. Family situation is not good - I have no-one and Lesley only has her aged mother to help with childcare. We have no friends locally. So, from day one, it was down to us to do everything for our girl. Lesley didn't want to put her in a nursery - I disagreed. I thought it would help Lesley get to know people (other mums) and also give Emily the early care and social interraction she would need later, it would also give Lesley a break from home. We went, once, to a local mother and baby playgroup and were apalled at the state of the place and it's occupants. So snobbery won the day and we never took her back. The same happened when Emily began school. It was filthy, some mothers would drop their children off in their pyjama's (the mothers not the children) I've even witnessed one young mother (in pyjama's and an overcoat) smoking and coughing up phlegm onto the infant's playground - the area where my daughter would be expected to play later. I witnessed this from the car, so couldn't get to her to say anything, had I been there I would have done so - and probably got a mouthful of abuse - but some things have to be said. Emily too reacted badly to the environment. She became withdrawn and seemed to get illness after illness. She was not happy, and so we took her out of school to home educate.

And so we found ourselves, late last night, discussing where it had all gone wrong.

We're getting into a mindset of misery. We hate where we live but cannot move. Lesley misses a working life but cannot get a job. We all reacted badly to Emily's school and we can't find one that we feel would suit her sensitive nature. The credit crunch has had its effects too, where once my wage provided a comfortable living, we now find ourselves cutting back and back. With no family or friends in the area we are the sole providers of care for Emily - we also try our best, but realise our limitations, as far as her education is concerned.

With no 'us-time' or 'me-time' our relationship has suffered immensely and we find ourselves rowing more and more about petty little things. We want Emily to go back to school - but a decent, clean school where parents and teachers alike care for the children - we've looked but can't find one (perhaps we're too picky or snobby for our own good - or perhaps we just expect basic standards of hygiene and care which none of the schools local to us seem to offer.) We want Lesley to get a job, even for a few hours a week, just to get her out of the house and interracting with adults rather than focusing on a child. We want some 'us-time' back, where we can go out to a movie or for a meal once in a while.

So, is it any wonder we find ourselves in this rut of depression?

Well, yes frankly. Our lives have been enriched by Emily. We should be relishing this time surely?

Break.

My apologies for not posting over the past few days. A busy schedule at work, and an even busier one at home, has left little time for anything else. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible!

I just want to say thank you to all who commented on my most recent post - your comments and offers of support are much appreciated. As for Lesley, well the busy schedule at work meant a few trips out for her this week - she accompanied me on a number of my client visits. Wednesday was a bad day as I had some training to attend in County Durham. I had to be there for 8.30 so it was an early set off and Lesley wasn't able to come along. She was really bad - panicky, tearful, and completely stressed about me driving the 28 miles to the training centre. My handsfree kit served me well that day, though compared to other trips Lesley did really well - only calling me four or five times to check on my progress during the 25 minute drive. Once I was there she could relax until lunchtime when I had to drive back. Only four calls on the way home too, so not such a bad day for me - Lesley put herself through the mill a couple of times though.

Thursday would've seen a repeat of the journey but luckily my gastro appointment overran and I didn't have to go.

Still no sign of the NHS Counsellor - she was referred in May. The longer this goes untreated the more I worry about the physical effects it's having on her - her nerves must be shot to pieces, she is losing weight, and that much adrenalin pumping round her system day in day out means she's always in 'fight-or-flight' mode, never able to relax, even at night she's up two or three times pacing the floor or having a panic attack. I feel so helpless most of the time.

Depression and Anxiety.

My wife suffers from anxiety. Deep seated, long term anxiety, mixed with severe depression (probably associated with untreated post natal depression.)

The anxiety stems from a separation issue - she fears loss following the death of her father whilst he was working abroad and when she was just eleven years old - the fear of loss is fixated on me which makes life very difficult for both of us. For example - I have to work. I meet business owners on a day to day basis and often have to travel (drive) to their premises for these meetings. When Lesley knows I have a drive ahead of me she will do one of a number of things: 1)She will try to get me to rearrange the meeting. 2) She will ask me to feign illness. 3) She will feign illness herself. 4) She will decide to come with me to the meeting. Usually point number 4) above will win - despite my protestations - and she will sit in the car outside of my client's premises for as long as the meeting takes, or she will walk around the town I'm visiting until I collect her after my meeting. On the odd occasion where it is impossible for Lesley to come along, I will receive between ten and fifteen phone calls during a twenty minute journey. Sometimes in rural areas the phone signal isn't as strong and Lesley can't get through - she has been known to call my client, prior to my arrival, to ask if I've arrived or to get me to call her when I get there.

Lesley fears that I will die if she lets me go alone - this is heightened by the fact that we, as a family, are in exactly the same position as her family all those years ago. Mother, Father, one daughter - father goes out to work one day and returns in a box. She fears that history is about to repeat itself. The argument of "Well if you come with me and we both die in a crash, Emily will be an orphan!" holds no weight whatsoever. That scenario doesn't repeat her earlier life experience and so, in her mind, is unlikely to happen. Whereas she knows that the original scenario can happen - because it happened to her thirty years ago.

Her fears also extend to the weekends. She likes to go shopping in town with her Mother whilst I stay at home and look after Emily. Stay at home being the operative phrase. If I decide to take Emily to the park or any other venue all hell breaks loose. I have, in the past, ignored Lesley's pleas of "You will stay in, where it's safe, won't you?!" and taken Emily to the park anyway, for Emily's sake. I always take my phone and call Lesley to let her know - but it doesn't help her fears - it simply fuels them and in an hour long trip to the park she will call me four or five times to ask if I'm back home yet.

This illness puts an enormous strain on our relationship as you can imagine. It also affects Emily who picks up on the atmosphere and anxieties and tends to mirror certain fears.

Lesley has seen numerous doctors and been prescribed numerous courses of tablets - which she never takes because she also fears that she will be affected by the list of side effects on the infosheet. She was referred to the GP's Counselling service by her GP in May and is still waiting for her first appointment - she has been told recently that it may be as late as next year before she is seen.

I will write more on this subject in due course, and have been meaning to do so for some time, but for now I wanted to get the bare bones of the condition down on 'paper' for my own sake rather than as an interesting read for visitors.

Weekend Wandering

David McMahon has asked the following question:

"What are you most afraid of?"

Quite simply...

These little blighters!!

For more fearsome admissions visit David at Authorblog.